Amitriptyline & Guaifenesin

Since my anxiety has been out of control lately, and I've been snapping at my husband a lot, I started taking my Amitriptyline again. It seems to be helping for now. But it's always the same thing with all these meds--they work for awhile, I get used to them, I up the dose, and then I stop when I get to the highest possible dosage. At least it'll work temporarily.

The Guaifenesin really helped, but I didn't recognize the severity of my case. I guess there aren't a lot of people out there that can honestly say they've had fibro symptoms for 26 years. When I stopped taking it, during the cycle, all my symptoms got worse again. Now I'll have to start all over, but this time I'm not taking a month off. Screw the cycling, I'll need to keep an eye on my diet and eat only alkalyzing foods since Guaifenesin can cause acidity, but it'll be worth it.

Once I get my symptoms under control, I'll have plenty of opportunities opening up for me. I might even get to start my Hospitality Consulting business!

Good Days Really Good?

Today is a good day, but how good can a day really be for us? I just have the usual achiness, and a little anxiety. It makes me want to do everything that I can fit into the day, because I don't know how many days I have before the next flare. I do know that if I do as much as I possibly can, then I'll be feeling it tomorrow. I probably won't be able to move at all tomorrow if I do everything that I want to do today.

Every little thing is a debate. I have to weight the pros and cons, just like everyone else, but the greatest con is always the fact that I might not be able to move due to taking on too much. People are always saying that you're body will let you know if you're doing too much. That's not true if you have fibromyalgia. The body doesn't let us know, until after we've done it. Sometimes the pain comes days later, or it builds up inside us and doesn't rear it's ugly head until weeks or months have gone by.

When I have a lot of good days, I always manage to convince myself that this is it. The fibro is under control and I can live my life again. I get a job, and after a few days I am reminded that no matter how "under control" I get the fibro, it will always get worse. Even the call center position, where they let me work from home when I was in to much pain to make the commute, ended with me screaming and crying in agonizing pain for hours at a time.

Anxiety!!!

Good news, the pain isn't too bad today. It's just the usual achiness, a little worse this morning, but slowly fading into the usual achiness and flu-like pains. The anxiety, on the other hand, is getting out of control! I'm going to try taking a couple amitriptyline to see if it helps. I stopped taking it because I was taking it consistently for about three months but it slowly stopped working, so the doc just kept upping the dosage until I was at the highest dose possible (150mg every night). Eventually, it had the opposite affect on me, so the doc said I should stop taking it, but there was nothing stronger to give me. I've just been dealing with the anxiety ever since.

Anxiety is not what most people think it is. They picture someone with stress, running around like a psycho business woman with a million things to do. Anxiety is more like having electricity pushing through your whole body, and no matter how relaxed or controlled your mind it, the body is hyper active. Most people release this anxious feeling by doing some kind of fun activity. Swimming is the best way for a fibro patient to relieve this anxiety, but I don't have a swimming pool.

The big issue for the day is this cycle that I keep getting caught in. The anxiety leads to energy and wanting to do things, then I do things, and the pain gets worse, and then there's fatigue, followed by muscle tension and inflammation--and unfortunately the inability to move. Rocking back and forth is the best way for me relieve it with the least amount of pain. So, I'm just sitting here now, looking like an autistic child waiting for a playmate.

Stress, Pain, Fatigue, and Dreams!!!

The pain and fatigue seem to be fluctuating, but there is no rest for at least another two weeks. Stress is building, but our dreams are in sight. Not quite the dreams we had, but we've learned to change our goals to whatever is more attainable. Our new goal is to begin again in New York, surrounded by family and friends. I am slowly packing, then resting, then packing, then resting. I've been packing for over a week and I've barely made a dent in it. I'm going to try to pay a couple of guys $50 to load the truck for the move next Wednesday, and put whatever we can't take with us in the dumpster.

Sneaky Depression & Disability

I started having fibromyalgia symptoms at the age of 5, so when I hit 30 (April 19, 2012) I thought I had it beat. My symptoms were still steadily getting worse, but I was happy. I can't remember a single day of my life without pain, but until recently I also couldn't remember a single day consumed by depression. I always have a few small moments of happiness each day. I cling to those moments and make them last in my mind as long as possible.

Something happened this past year; something that I didn't even realize was happening until it was too late. Depression crept up and took over my life. Today I turned to my husband and said, "I've been really depressed and cranky all the time lately, I'm sorry. I'll try harder to be happier again." He said, "You've depressed for a very long time now. I love you, and I hope that this new move will make you happier." The move he was talking about is our move to New York. We're going to be staying with family for awhile, but hopefully we can really set down some roots and begin our lives again.

It's hard to stay happy when the government says that I'm not legally disabled because I can work from home, but no one wants to hire me because I can't work a steady schedule. I never know when I'm going to wake up and can't move. When I say I can't move, I don't mean it hurts too much, I mean that the muscles and tissue become so swollen and tense that I literally can't move them. Have you ever woken up in the morning after sleeping funny and the muscles are so tense that you can't move your neck to one side? It can take hours of stretching with intense pain before you can move that side of your neck. Now imagine that in every muscle of your body, and no amount of stretching relaxes the muscles. All you can do is take a cocktail of muscle relaxers, sedatives, and pain killers; sleep for 15-20 hours; and hope that it's better when you wake up. Sometimes I can wake up and still can't move, and it takes days before I can move again. The longest this has happened was three months. Unfortunately, according to the government it has to happen for twelve months before I qualify for disability.

The thing that gets me depressed is that I try so hard to work and make money, and there are so many people who don't try at all. They just sit back and get disability. I've been told now that if I didn't keep trying to work, I would qualify more. I have to be unemployed for over one year, which I was but couldn't afford a lawyer and had already been denied SSI Disability once, so I had to go back to work and I have jumped from job to job until I couldn't move for the past three months. Now I might have to wait another year before I can apply again. Why do people who don't even try deserve disability and those of us getting laid off left and right, working our butts off, deserve less?

Two More Jobs Down

That's right, I lost two more jobs in the past three months. I thought I was doing well, so after two years of trying various fibro treatments I went back to work.

The first job was at a hotel, my dream job really, as the Front Office Supervisor. I lasted about two months, but I ended up being more of a glorified Front Desk Agent then a Front Office Supervisor. This meant that I was on my feet 75% of each shift, which is not what I was expecting. I started having a harder time standing and walking, and my knees and feet swelled to the point of excruciating pain every time I put even the slightest pressure on my legs.

I had been applying for every call center position I saw the whole two years I was home, but having a job seemed to change everything. I got a position at a call center and put in my two weeks at the hotel. That didn't seem to help, so I woke up one day and couldn't move. I called in and then next day, I was able to move but I was incredibly weak and could barely make it down the stairs to the car. I called, and they let me work from home. That night, the pain was so horrible that I cried and screamed the entire shift. The manager monitoring my calls must have thought I was dying, but he was kind enough to keep it to himself. I gave up. It was only a matter of time before they asked me to stop working for them, I mean I couldn't even make it through the shift at home! I had already put in my notice to either work from home or stop working altogether, and they were just waiting for the date. I told them that was my last shift, and that was that.

My husband injured his arm at work, which doesn't offer workman's comp, and was out of work for almost two months while I was at the hotel. Then his Grandad passed away and he left for Georgia. I worked both jobs for two weeks and got my first paychecks from each one, which was just enough to pay rent. We were broke. Our lease was up, rent was raised, and we couldn't find anything in Denver in our budget. We had a choice, either live in our car or move back to NY and live with family. We leave a week and a half from today. I'll try to keep posting about whats going on and how I'm feeling.